It was a God kicking me in the butt kind of night

I have been questioned and have been questioning what would God have me do for John during this time.

I have tried to live my adult life by three principles found in the Bible, yet I know many atheists who live by these codes better than many people of faith that I know.

From the old testament: Micah 6:8 - What does God ask of you, but to love your God with all of your might, to walk humbly and do social justice. From the new testament: Matthew 7:12 (and also Luke 6:31) Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. And the great commandment from Jesus in John and Luke "Love one another as I have loved you."

It's a pretty simple theology, yet almost impossible to live by.

What would be justice for John? What would I have him do for me? And what would be the greatest act of love?

The answers become amazingly simple, don't they? But because I am human and cannot stand to hurt another person, it is not that easy. This is the long good bye at the train station. I cannot bear to part from him, yet know if it were me, it is what I would want. It is the greatest act of love to let go. Let God do this. So, I ask God to give me the strength and courage to get me through these next weeks. John will not die these next weeks. Probably not even these next months. But knowing God's hand is here will help guide me through this next era.

Where do we find love?

Today is a "find a nursing home" kind of day. I came home from settling my son into his new digs in another town last night. John's older kids had been baby sitting him while I was gone.

John no longer knows who he is. In his words "John Marsh left because he was too afraid. My new i.d. hasn't been assigned yet." Well, who assigns these things? "Those people." There are people all over the condo that he is hiding from and trying to escape from.

My heart wants to keep him home. My head knows that's an insane mission. My heart wants to keep the cabin. My head also knows that's an insane mission.

So where do I find the right action to take? I believe in love and I believe in duty. I love my husband with all of my heart, but in his words, John ain't here. So who do I love? This shell who lives here, shares my bed, is scared of his own shadow?

Where is duty in all of this? Duty to whom? Meem? When saving someone, don't make a second victim?

True love is the ability to put someone else's life before yours. Where does that fit?

It appears I have more questions than answers.