Tonight I read back over all of these posts. It seems like years ago since I wrote them, and yet only about 4 months ago.
My life is different now, John's life is more different. He lives in a nursing home a mile away. He spends his life existing. I spend my days teaching and then going to the home with Miss Xena the Warrior Princess.
John asks to go home regularly. He is often packed when I get there. He sometimes cries. It is a wonderful place, but it is not home. So many times a week we have this conversation about his not being safe at home. Re-reading these posts remind me of what life was like.
My John has left the building. Only occasionally does a glimpse of him break through. Oh, he knows people. He also sees people who aren't there. If I say I saw so and so today, he'll say, "Oh he was here this morning, he looks like hell!"
I miss him so much. I've had some rude awakenings about things he used to do - like our finances, or lack thereof. We've sold the cabin. I've learned things about our medicaid system I wished I didn't know.
But there have been some unexpected bonuses. They are named Archie and Tom and Tom and Marjorie and Lorraine. And then there's Dorothy and Albert. All residents - each one providing more fun then I'm entitled to. And then there's Sophie - one of the Tom's wife. She has become a guardian angel to me, heaven sent to keep me strong.
And so, after 30 years of marriage, I am alone. Both of my boys have left the nest. It's me and the Xena monster.
I struggle a lot lately to find what the hell we're doing on this earth. Why are we here? Is it to wind up like John? Then merely EXIST for the rest of our days? I do know that God keeps sticking people in my path to guide me and comfort me and remind me that I am not alone. And He finds new uses for me, both in the nursing home and school. But I think of how wonderful it is to sit with Dorothy and hold her hand for awhile. Or how sweet it is that Tom A precisely organizes food from his plate onto a spoon to feed Miss Xena. This from a man who loudly proclaimed NO DOGS IN THE DINING ROOM!! IT'S A RULE! the first night we were there. He now calls Xena his little buddy. Even Dorothy talks about Xena even though she doesn't talk much at all.
So is this it? God putting all of these people in my path to give me a sense of purpose if I've opened my eyes to it. Or to remind me that others have it much worse? Or to ease the path for staying there with John...
No answers again, only questions.
