Today, I finally did it. John's daughter came to be sure I didn't lose my resolve. I asked for a hospice eval and to have his medications revisited. We're moving from palliative to hospice.
I have always felt doctors were wrong to prolong life when there was no quality of life and no hope. Now the shoe's on the other foot and I must make a decision.
John has been quite clear in wanting to die. He started saying this a lot since last summer. I believe him to be quite lucid when he says it. He said it again last night.
Two nights ago was a very tough night. According to my lawyer, if I were to put John on medicaid, I would have to cash in $86K of my retirement funds - which means all of it when you include penalties and taxes. I decided not to do that. I would bring him home before I allowed that to happen. John would not approve.
But yesterday morning, my "Message from God" (FB app) said this:
"On this day of your life, Susan, we believe God wants you to know...that today is a big day for you.
Yes, today. Keep your eyes open for a message. It might come in a shape of a bird flying overhead, or a graffiti on a wall, or a phrase said by a passerby, or... Whatever shape it has, this message has been trying to reach you for years, and today is finally the day. Keep your senses open. "
How do these apps know? Obviously, they're like fortune cookies or horoscopes. You can read whatever you want to in them. But, I think John was the messenger. He was giving me one final ok....
God is watching over the two of us. Make no mistake. When things seem to be falling apart, I feel His strength in ways you cannot mistake. I'm not somebody who reads the Bible over and over again. I don't quote verses from the Bible. But I do know that God is giving me the strength and courage I need. He sends it in so many forms and it is like a security blanket laying over me.
HUGS Susan just know i'm hugging you while you go through this and that i am keeping you both in my prayers
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