It's a reflecting back on the last year kind of day.

A year ago, John and I made his last trip to the farm.  Dian was on vacation, the grass needed mowing and the garden tending.  Today, I made that same trip, for the same reason, but this time alone.

Looking back to that trip, as crazy as it made me, I now see it as a watershed moment in my life.  It opened my eyes as to how sick he really was and to the fact that he couldn't be left alone anymore.  I had to make some decisions and quickly, as September was staring me right in the face.  How could I go back to school?  Well, we know how that turned out.  John is fully into stage 4 of a 5 stage disease. There's no predicting how long stage 5 will last.  If anybody thinks they can tell you, they're full of you know what.  The very nature of LBD is it's unpredictability.

The very nature of life is it's unpredictability.  This has been a year of loss.  Not just John to the nursing home, but more tragically, my dear nephew, Tim.  Then there's the "STUFF" like the cabin, finances, my life....meh.  Whatever.  It's stuff.  Buddhism teaches you that suffering comes from attachment.  Try not to get attached to "STUFF"....

But it's been a year of great gains for me as well.  I have found strength and acceptance.  To be sure, you take life day by day.  Shoot, at the nursing home, things can change in a heart beat, so taking it minute by minute when I'm there is the path to peace.  One minute he's calm and sweet and the next minute he's threatening me with a tootsie pop.

Understanding the role humor truly plays in my life has also been a gain.  Where would I have been this year without that 9th graders' sense of humor?  When he's got a latex glove on his foot or his shoes don't match and they're on the wrong feet....then there's the stuff I won't publish, but crack me up as well.

Allowing myself to grieve has only really just started this summer.  I think it took awhile because I've just been too caught up in dealing with all of the busy stuff of caring for him and working.  I think saying goodbye to the cabin in June opened the flood gates.  And they're not just moments either.  Pity parties like that take a while to kick all the guests out.  Shoo!!!  GO HOME!!!!

Centering myself in prayer and meditation takes awhile.  But fixing my heart and head on what needs to be done to live this life abundantly as God would have us do is my to-do list.  Each and every day.

I hope that you, too, can find peace and understanding....

It was a God kicking me in the butt kind of night

I have been questioned and have been questioning what would God have me do for John during this time.

I have tried to live my adult life by three principles found in the Bible, yet I know many atheists who live by these codes better than many people of faith that I know.

From the old testament: Micah 6:8 - What does God ask of you, but to love your God with all of your might, to walk humbly and do social justice. From the new testament: Matthew 7:12 (and also Luke 6:31) Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. And the great commandment from Jesus in John and Luke "Love one another as I have loved you."

It's a pretty simple theology, yet almost impossible to live by.

What would be justice for John? What would I have him do for me? And what would be the greatest act of love?

The answers become amazingly simple, don't they? But because I am human and cannot stand to hurt another person, it is not that easy. This is the long good bye at the train station. I cannot bear to part from him, yet know if it were me, it is what I would want. It is the greatest act of love to let go. Let God do this. So, I ask God to give me the strength and courage to get me through these next weeks. John will not die these next weeks. Probably not even these next months. But knowing God's hand is here will help guide me through this next era.